Hollywood with Holli: The Harry Potter Episodes
by HolliiiCruiser
Summary: My "talk-show" were I interview various characters from Harry Potter. Except your character to get bashed in the head with a large brick and expect lots of randomness. Episode Two: I get Ron Weasley to reveal his "Extracurricular" Activities.
1. Episode One: Battle of the Book Boys

**Disclaimer: I don't own Edward Cullen or Harry Potter; I'm talking the real ones here, not the cardboard cut-outs I hear that some people drag around like a beaten dog on a leash.**

**(A/N: So, this is from my Twilight-based story, The Weird and Wonderful Tales of the Cullen's. But I thought it had potential for a Harry Potter type spin-off. So, expect more with other various characters from the book and movies… This is just a starter.)**

**Holli: **Hey There Charlie! This may not be Candy Mountain, but it's good enough! Welcome to another fantabulous, spine tingling episode of Hollywood with Holli! Now, before we get to the show, I would like to announce that we have received 597 Emmy Nominations! It's a huge honor! **(Someone from the audience stands up and sheepishly raises a hand.) **Yes, man who has the nerve to interrupt my awesomeness?

**Man Who Had the Nerve to Interrupt Her Awesomeness: **Umm… ya, first time talker, long time watcher here. I don't mean to insult your intelligence or anything, but I don't think there are that many different categories for the Emmy's. **(Immediately the whole room falls silent.) **That's just a tip for you. **(He nervously sits down, looking at his feet.)**

**Holli: **Well, for your information, you're stupid. **(She snaps her fingers, and the man falls through a secret trap door.) **Does anyone else think there aren't 597 Emmy categories? Because you all have those convenient little doors under your seats. That's what we call "quality control". Now, today's show brings back a HWH regular, Mr. Edward Cullen. That takes care of the Edwardians, but for all you Scarheads out there, I didn't forget you! We also have a Mr. Harry Potter on today! For a little thing I have dubbed, "Battle of the Book Boys!" **(She points with both of her hands towards the two entrances, Harry Potter comes out of one, wearing a shirt that says, "Vampires Suck (and I don't mean blood)". Edward Cullen comes out of the other, wearing just a plain, everyday shirt. Holli, torn between both of her obsessions, just sits there and tries not to explode from happiness.)**

**Harry: (looking awkward) **Well, er, Holli. Thanks for, er, having me on today.

**Holli: **Really, it's no problem at all. I just had to hold a couple of the interns hostage… uhm, I mean, persuade the writer's to push back our show on, "People Who Are Married To Animals". I thought this would please the majority of our watchers more. As they are 14 year old fangirls. **(Harry messes with his hair nervously and sits down beside Edward, who raises an eyebrow at him.)**

**Edward: **Are you serious? You people seriously don't know which one of us is better? I mean, look at him. **(The whole audience, and Holli, stares at Harry intently.)** Now, look at me. **(The swivel their heads to look at him.)**Now, who is the clear winner?

**Harry: **Well, mate; you're a little bit cocky, aren't you?

**Edward: **What makes you so special? Besides that stupid little scar on your forehead? It looks like you had an accident with a cow prodder.

**Harry: **Oh, I don't know innocent-deer-eater. Maybe the fact that I saved the world from Lord Voldemort?

**Edward: (opens his mouth to offer a retort) **

**Random PETA Member in the Audience: **You killed Bambi you **(edited for your viewing enjoyment)**

**Edward: (acting like nothing happened) **Whoa, did you poke him with your big bad stick?

**Harry: **I'm gonna shove my big bad stick somewhere you won't like it! **(Immature fangirls giggle.) **NO! Come on, not like that! Dirty minded fangirls! Get your mind out of the gutter! **(Whips out wand.)**

**Edward: **Keep it in your pants, stick boy! **(Harry jumps on him, throwing every spell he can think of at Edward. But, Edward, being the super-strong vampire that he is, the spells didn't affect him.)**

**Harry: **AAARRRGGHHH!

**Edward: **MWAHAHAHAHAHAOUCH! **(His evil laugh was cut short by Harry shoving his almighty stick into his eye.) **GOOD GOD! THAT'S LIKE THE ONLY PLACE I EVER FEEL PAIN! YOU STUPID WIZARD MOTHER **(edited for your viewing enjoyment)**

**Harry: **Sometimes I amaze myself with my freakish skills. **(Pulls Invisibility Cloak out of his robes and slips it on.) **I think I'll go get Ginny and buy her a Jamba Juice.

**Holli: **No! Harry, that's cheating! I still have 15 minutes to kill!

**Edward: **My eye really hurts!

**(A/N: I know some people have probably already read this… But it doesn't hurt to read it again, and I think it is a good intro to some more Harry Potter Lovefest/Character Bashing/Awesomeness that will absolutely follow this up. If you did like this, there are two other "episodes" in The Weird and Wonderful Tales of the Cullen's. But they deal with Twilight. They're still a good laugh though.)**


	2. Episode Two: Ron Weasley

**A/N:****Hi! So, the first character I have decided to semi-bash is Ron Weasley. Because he has the tendency to act like the electric blanket from _The Brave Little Toaster._ ****I do love him though; don't mistake my good-natured fun for actual hatred.**** No offense to anyone who is Ginger either, as will be made clear later.**** Side-note: Do people who can actually be termed as ****"****Ginger****"****, really call themselves ****"****Ginger****"**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything… yada, yada, yada, something about copyright infringement, blah, blah, blah, threats of a straightjacket, whatever.**

**Hollywood with Holli: The Harry Potter Episodes**

**Episode Two: Ron's "Extracurricular" Activities.**

**Holli: **Welcome to today's episode of Hollywood with Holli. As you can see, we have a new set in honor of the bribe Edward Cullen has paid me to stay away from him and any member of his extended family. Stalking pays well, don't let anyone tell you any different.

My first idea for the set was to make it resemble a large can of Spaghettios, complete with "O" shaped chairs and a slipcover plastered with noodles for my big, comfy couch. I just couldn't bear to give it up. Although, as a now-fired intern soon pointed out to me, as it already had enough Spaghettios residue on it to blanket two separate couches, a slipcover might be kind of pointless. Hey, I never said I was the best at using utensils, did I? So sue me if I want to come to the set late at night with a can of Spaghettios and lay on the spot the Edward Cullen used to sit?

But, as usual, my idea was shot down. So, instead, we have this extremely classy and expertly color-coordinated piece of normalness. You'd think because it was my sugar-frosted flipping show, they'd let me decide design issues such as these. But, no! All I get to do is pick what color icing I want on my sugar cookies.

Unbeknownst to the people upstairs, I have added a little set addition of my own, which shall be revealed later… But, let's get on with the show.

Our guest for today, following with my Harry Potter theme, is Ron Weasley!

**(Ron Weasley comes out, trying to slyly puff out his chest so he looks like he's not a pre-pubescent 10-year old girl. Then he catches Holli's eye and immediately stops fighting a losing battle. He sits on a very uncomfortable stool that is located right beside the comfy loveseat Holli has laid a sign on that reads "No Gingers Allowed.")**

**Holli: **Welcome to the show. I'm glad you joined us. Actually, no, I'm not. I'm under contract to say that to everyone.

**Ron: **They said I would get free access to the snack bar. But when I walked up to it, this girl started hitting me on the head and telling me to back off because she was good friends with some bloke named Rambo.

**Holli: **Oh, that's just Micah. She was the only security I could afford. No one wanted to work for me after the whole "Apocalypse: End of the World" thing I started at the club the other night. She doesn't actually know that minimum wage isn't a dollar an hour.

**Ron: ****(Blank look that could have meant "What's minimum wage?)**So, does that mean there aren't any complimentary pancakes?

**Holli: **No, there most certainly is not. **(A scared looking intern comes scurrying out, carrying a large plate of pancakes saturated in syrup. Holli rubs her hands together excitedly and snatches them away.)** Ah. Finally! I haven't eaten in at least fifteen minutes!

**Ron: **But you just said that there were no pancakes…

**Holli: **Right.

**Ron: (Looking confused and a bit red around the ears.) **But you're eating pancakes right now!

**Holli: (Stuffs more into her mouth and gives a non-committal shake of her head.) **Wmmeleerel, thefdafdsfafre's edead a bigfdafd diffdehrfference yfffgrrtyou've ygrtrtet tfro picgutyuk ufdsgp ovdsvn.

**Ron: **Er, come again?

**Holli:** **(Looking slightly annoyed, as though she had been speaking clear English the whole time.)**Well, there's a big difference you've yet to pick up on.

**Ron: **And that would be?

**Holli: **These, my freckly friend, are mini-pancakes. Mini as in, not full sized. The difference could be compared to the difference between old Prince music and new Prince music.

**Ron: **... But, doesn't that amount to the same thing?

**Holli: (Gives him a scornful look.) **I wouldn't expect someone as thick headed as you to pick up on the subtle art that is pancake-making.

**Ron: (Mumbles incoherently. Several words such as "stupid", "What's the point?", "You'd have gave Harry pancakes.", and the like can be made out.)**

**Holli: **But enough about **your** lack of pancake knowledge. I think you have something you'd like to share with us?

**Ron: **Er, nothing comes to mind, no.

**Holli: **Of course nothing does. Because, what I have hidden in this little baggie, **(She holds up a sparkly blue bag with the words "Will ruin your life if opened." splayed across it.)** couldn't possibly be anything of great importance, could it?

**Ron: **Uh…. **(He turns bright red and stutters.)**

**Holli:** You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

**Ron shakily nods his head up and down and grips the seat of his stool.**

**Holli:** Well, unfortunately, I'm going to have to say that this has some serious burning potential.

**Ron tries to lunge for the bag, but Holli spears him in the arm with her leftover mini-pancake fork.**

**Holli: **Let's open up my bag of deep, dark secrets, shall we?

**The audience yells "Yes." While Ron stumbles over to the side of the stage and begins to throw up.**

**Holli opens the bag with a dramatic flourish and whips out a small remote control.**

**The audience "Oohs."**

**Holli: **Now, if you'll remember, at the beginning of the show, I mentioned my extra-additions to my set. These "additions" have been specially added for Ron. He, my sources have told me, have recently begun a new hobby.

**Ron: **What?

**Holli: (Shushing him.)**So, without further ado, I'll give him a chance to show us first-hand what it is!

**She points the remote to the far corner of the stage and when she clicks the button, the floor opens up and a long, slim pole slide out up, with a disco ball at the top.)**

**Ron:** What the hell is that?

**Holli: **It's your equipment, of course!

**Ron: **Equipment? For what? That looks like a…

**Holli: **A stripper pole?

**Ron: **Well, yeah!

**Holli: **It looks like one, because it is one.

**Ron:** Why would I need a stripper pole?

**Holli: **Ron! Quit being modest! Don't hold back! Let out your inner stripper!

**Ron: **I will not!

**Holli: **Don't resist the lure of the magical pole! You can't escape it! Unleash your passion!

**Ron: **I should have listened to Harry! This whole show is mental! And you! **(Points finger at Holli.) **You're the worst!

**He springs off of the stool, turns half off-kilter and ****apparates**

**Holli: **Dang! Lost another one!


End file.
